Toilet Paper 3: The Escape (8/30/07 - 10/24/07)


Chapter 1: Poisoned?

John was watching the TV, and on it was a documentary about Payper. The documentary did a very good job of making the exciting story of Payper's evil life boring. And by boring, I mean cutting out all the battle scenes and trying to figure out where Payper's brain was. They were also trying to find where Payper's crown went, which was actually in John's very sleeping place, the Shelter. A good-not-evil toilet paper had the crown, Videon. Videon was currently in the basement of the shelter.

John went to get a drink of water from the sink. To his surprise, however, the water was green!

"Oh well," said John. "It still looks tasty!"

So John filled a glass of green water and began to drink it. John began to feel numb and his vision went blurry. John's muscles began to weaken, and he fell to the floor.

Matt came in the room a few minutes later holding a bowl of popcorn. When he saw John poisoned on the floor, he thought only one thing: he himself must have a drink of water. So Matt ran over to the sink, filled a glass, and drank the water, but he held it in his mouth. Matt spit it out as he said, "Ugh! This water's horrible! It tastes like poison!"

Then he realized...

"I'm not wearing my contacts!" exclaimed Matt.

Then he realized...

"They're in the basement! Oh no!" said Matt.

Then he realized...

"Oh wait... Videon might've found 'em," Matt happily said, and he walked down happily.

Meanwhile, Woody was in jail. "I must escape," he said on his second week of being in jail. However, Woody only had a wooden spoon, and the bars to his cell were made of dirt! However, whenever Woody chopped the bars to bits, Woody was thrown to another cell. But Woody had a plan.

Woody's plan was to cut up the bars with the spoon when the guards changed shifts, however, this only happened every three days because the guards were either eating or drinking coffee at all times. Yes, eating.

So, when the guards finally were changing shifts, Woody used the spoon to hack 'n slash away at the bars. The bars broke, and Woody ran into the hallway place. But, to Woody's misfortune, there were guards at the end of the hallway who didn't just eat and drink coffee, they ate the coffee cup!

Woody was beaten severely for trying to escape.


Chapter 2: Hunter...Paralyzed?

John awoke in the hospital. A doctor was looking down at him. "What happened?" asked John.

"Well, my record says you got attacked by a mad cow," explained the doctor. "What did you do to upset it?"

"What!?" exclaimed John. "No! I was poisoned by my sink water!"

"Oh... so that would explain why there are no bruises..." said the doctor.

Then Matt woke up. "There's only one person who could have done this!" he shouted enthusiastically. "Payper."

"Right..." said the doctor. "Payper's gone. Same with all the other toilet papers. I saw the special last night."

A thought crossed John's mind. What if Videon did this? After all, he was in their basement. But no, that couldn't be true. Videon was a good paper.

A thought crossed Matt's mind. What if Payper survived getting eaten by a shark? "I'm going to the lake!" he said and left. John followed.

At the lake, Hunter was laying still on the ground, unmoving. John kicked him. "Is he..." said Matt as John continued to kick Hunter.

"Stop kicking me!" shouted Hunter. "I think I'm paralyzed from the neck down. And... Payper did this. He was in the shark's mouth and he jumped on me and bit into my neck... GET HIM, you two, MAKE SURE he dies a painful death, and get me to a hospital!"

"Uh... which way did he go?" asked Matt.

"To the store," said Hunter.

John dialed 911 and dropped some phone next to Hunter's ear. Then John and Matt ran to the store. There they searched all the stores that sold toilet paper in town, but Payper was no where to be found.

"Maybe he went to a toilet paper factory," suggested Matt.

"No, remember how we blew up all the toilet paper factories between the events of two and three?" said John.

"Oh yeah!" remembered Matt.

So they went back to the lake, but Hunter wasn't there. Wow, the hospital was quick today! So Matt and John went to the hospital.

"Apparently I'll never move again," said Hunter. "But what they don't know is... I'm actually made of toilet paper! So because of that, I decided I'll tell you where Payper is...revenge...mwah ha."

"So where is he?" asked John.

"Well, he said he was gonna steal spinach from my house... then... he said something about a crown," said Hunter.

"CROWN!" shouted Matt and John at once.

Matt and John hurried to the Shelter.

Meanwhile, Woody was hatching yet another plan to escape. This time, he'd dig a hole with a spoon. WOody realized that digging into a dirt ground to get around a steel wall with dirt bars was a pretty good idea. Of course, whoever created the jail was retarded, though.

Woody began to dig into the ground. When he had dug a foot down into the ground, the guards walked into his cell. When he was five feet down and the hole was one foot wide, a guard grabbed Woody, stuffed him in his hole, and then filled the hole up with dirt. After that day, Woody had to have lung surgery. Then he was thrown in jail again.


Chapter 3: Payper's Business

Videon was quite bored down in the basement. There wasn't much to do besides play with the pinball machine down there and throw Payper's crown like a boomerang. Except Payper's crown wasn't a boomerang. Things broke. Not the crown.

Then, something appeared at the basement window. Videon walked closer to it, and it looked somewhat like... PAYPER!

"Oh no!" soliloquyed Videon. "How can he be alive still? I must run!"

Videon grabbed Payper's crown and ran up and out of the basement. As Videon was opening the door to the first floor of the Shelter, he heard the glass of the basement window break.

Payper jumped into the basement from the window and looked around. "I know you're in here somewhere," he said evilly. Payper walked up to the abandoned desk, and opened a drawer. "Ah hah!" he shouted, but then, realizing nothing was there, Payper walked over to the area under the stairs. He looked under it and shouted, "Ah hah!" but there was nothing there. Payper did this to every area in the room.

"Hmm...maybe he's not in here," Payper said half an hour later.

So Payper walked up the stairs and opened the door to the Shelter. Videon immediately charged at Payper, holding a glass milk bottle.

"Ha! Videon, you can't kill me!" said Payper. "Just give up the crown, or else I'll kill you."

"What can't I kill you?" asked Videon, still running toward Payper.

Payper dodged a swing of the milk bottle and said, "Because I'm the first paper. Someone would need an anti-evil potion to make me non-evil before they kill me with a non-life potion! Now give me the crown."

Videon tried to hit Payper again with the milk bottle, but Payper dodged it. Then Videon said, "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you can't make an anti-evil potion or an anti-life potion!" said Payper. "So give up the crown or else."

"No!" shouted Videon.

Payper tackled Videon, grabbing the milk bottle and smashing it on Videon's head. Then Payper began to unroll Videon. Videon stopped him from completely unrolling his paper, but by that time, Payper was running, and he had his crown.

Payper's next business was Hunter.

Payper snuck into the hospital using a vent. Payper then snuck into Hunter's room. Of course, it was daytime, so there were nurses in the room, but they thought evil toilet papers were things you saw every day. So Payper got up onto Hunter's bed and said, "Say goodbye to your life, Hunter."

"Why?" asked Hunter.

"Because...uh...I...just...er... I JUST WANT TO!" said Payper, twitching.

Payper stuck a sword into Hunter's chest, but nothing happened. Payper pulled the sword out, and Hunter's skin repaired itself.

"What the-?" said Payper.

"My heart is a toilet paper," said Hunter. "And I'm not really paralyzed also," Hunter grabbed Payper.

Payper slipped free of Hunter's grasp. "Why are you faking being paralyzed?" asked Payper.

"Well, I've got two people trying to hunt you down right now," said Hunter. "You're gonna be as dead as a dinosaur real soon."

"No, no, no, it's the other way around," said Payper, taking out a special sword which automatically unrolls toilet paper. "Say bye bye to your life, Hunter."

Hunter immediately got out of the bed he was lying in and jumped out the window. But don't worry. It was only a twenty story fall.

Meanwhile, Woody was bored in jail. So, he asked a guard why he had never had a trial. The guard said, "Shut up!" Woody then pointed out that if he didn't have a trial, the government could arrest everyone in the jail. The guard said, "Shut up!" the guard drank some of his coffee. Then Woody pointed out that he had a cell phone.

"May I see it?" asked the guard. Woody handed him the cell phone and the guard chucked it at the wall. "We're not getting arrested today."


Chapter 4: How to Destroy Payper

John and Matt arrived at the Shelter only moments after Payper left. "He got the crown," said Videon. "But... I know how you can destroy him."

"What?" said John. "How?"

"Well, he was made from a life potion," started Videon. "And then became evil from an evil potion. Now when Payper just came over here, he told me he can't be destroyed like the other papers. He said he needed to drink an anti-evil potion and then an anti-life potion to kill him."

"And how do we make an anti-evil and anti-life potion?" asked John.

"He said it was impossible," said Videon.

"What? No, no, no. Nothing's impossible." Matt started to sing. "When I was young, mi papá told me stories of a fairy tale laaaaaaand! He said that there, Captain Hook is mayor, and MJ asks you to take his haaaaaaaand! And books are burned in a fire! And Gingerbread Men assassins are up for hire! And this world exists! So how is anything... *impossible*? (impossible). How is anything... *improbable*? (improbable). I know you don't believe, so I'll show you Peter Pan's heaaaaaad! Ohhh! And something something something. I forgot the words to the song! Yeah! I forgot the words, so true!"

"STOP!" shouted John.

"But I was just about to sing the second verse!" complained Matt.

"So singing a weird song is more important than stoppping a mutant toilet paper from doing evil things?" asked John.

"Saving the world's for Superman, Cleff, or Captain S. We should be singing while they save the world," said Matt. "Duh!" he added.

"Well, in case you care, Payper took one of Woody's unroll-a-paper swords," said Videon.

"Hmm...now why would he need that?" wondered John.

"Maybe to kill himself," suggested Matt.

"All right, let's go to the jail!" said John.

However, the hospital was along the way, so John and Matt thought they'd stop there along the way.

Hunter was on the street, with Woody's unroll-a-paper sword stuck in his chest.

"What happened?" asked John.

With his last breath, Hunter said, "Bomb... underground... stop him from..." and Hunter dissolved into a bunch of lifeless toilet paper rolls.

"Oh crudley dudley!" shouted Matt.

"That's a plot twist!" said John.

Meanwhile, in jail, Woody said to a guard, "You know, I normally don't tell people this, but I'm...(Woody was about to say Jésus, but the narrator didn't feel like mixing religions into a story about toilet paper) Tom Hanks in disguise."

"Ha!" laughed the guard. "If you're Tom Hanks, then I'm Tom Cruise!" The guard looked to the left, and then to the right. "I can get you out of here," said Tom Cruise.

Woody, who wasn't really Tom Hanks, wondered if this guard was serious. When Tom Cruise opened the cell, Woody thought this guy must be retarded!

"Now walk slowly to not arise any suspicions," said Tom Cruise. "I'll walk with you."

Cruise and Woody slowly walked down the hallway. They passed by Tom Riddle's cell, who was practicing the spells Avada Kedavra and Alohomora. And Avada Kedavra.

"Top o' the Morning to ya, You-Know-Who!" said Tom Cruise.

"Call me Voldemort!" cried Tom Riddle. "I may have become a squib after Harry Potter thought he killed me, but I can still do some spells. Stupid Kwikspell Course."

"He went a bit loco since the eighth book," said Cruise.

Suddenly, another guard came down the corridor and grabbed Woody by the ear. "You have visitors," said the guard.


Chapter 5: Matt and John sat down at the chairs in front of the glass. Woody was on the other side of the glass. It was then telephone talking time!

John picked up his telephone, and so did Woody. Woody talked first. Or rather...screamed.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" yelled Woody into the telephone.

"That may be a little hard," said John. "Security's improved. I mean, they even record telephone conversations now."

"Oh, they do. Heh heh," said Woody.

"Videon said that the only way to destroy Payper is to give him an anti-evil potion, and then an anti-life potion," said John. "Can you make those?"

"Not in jail, I can't," said Woody. "Howeva, I can if you guys break me out."

"Uh...ecord-ray elephone-tay onversations-cay," said John. "Besides, it'd be too hard anyway."

"Uh...can you tell Matt to stop picking his nose," said Woody. "It looks rather disgusting."

"Just wait," said Matt. "I've got a huge booger ball in there."

"Um... you're not going to eat it, are you?" asked John.

"What's the point of picking your nose if you can't eat the prize inside?" responded Matt.

Both Woody and John puked, and Matt cleaned up the puke. With his tongue. Both John and Woody held back a second batch of puke, to avoid Matt from eating this barf.

"Anyways," said John. "What's the recipe? How can we make an anti-evil and anti-life potion?"

"Well, uh...it might be impossible," said Woody. "You need things like salt and vinegar, but the potion cannot bubble at all. And you need a dead ventriloquist doll, and everyone knows all ventriloquist dummies are alive and evil and invincible!"

"Can't you like, chop its head off?" asked John.

"Oh yeah..." said Woody. "Look, just break me out! Yes, I know ecord-day elephone-tay onversations-cay, but I have a simple plan, which involves a drill located on 1501 Maple Hill St and digging into the ground. Go get it."


Chapter 6: 1501 Maple Hill St

John and Matt hurried to 1501 Maple Hill St. 1501 wasn't a house though. It was a deserted field. In the middle of it was a drill.

John and Matt walked up to the gate, which said "Do Not Enter".  So Matt and John opened the gate, which was unlocked, despite the "Do Not Enter" sign. Whoever owned the place must have been a large idiot.

However, once John and Matt took one step onto the field, the ground started to rumble. "Earthquake?" asked John.

"No," said Matt. "Evil spirits trying to scare us off. We must hurry before the gnats and blood-suckers come!"

"Riiiight..." said John.

"Do you not believe me?" said Matt in disbelief. "We only have little time until they come! We must hurry to the drill."

Matt began to run ahead of John to the drill. John decided there was no point in walking, so he ran too. Then suddenly, many many owls came flying down on Matt and John and began pecking at their heads. Some of the owls told wet pooper jokes, but Matt and John couldn't understand them because the owls spoke in Hoolian. The jokes were pretty funny, though, if you could understand Hoolian.

"Isn't it daytime?" asked John.

"Duh! Of course it's daytime," said Matt.

"Then why are owls attacking us?" asked John. "They're nocturnal."

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it. The spirit that lives here sent them to kill us before we get to the drill."

Then John got an idea. He quickly took a large jar of glue out of his pocket and spread it on himself. Then he pulled a bag of black feathers out of hammerspace and he made himself look like a crow. Then John called, "Ca-caw! Ca-caw!" The owls flew away immediately. Yeah, just because of one fake crow.

It wasn't over yet, though. Even with the owls gone, there were more hindrances up ahead.

Yeah, you might not believe this, but out of no where came hundreds upon hundreds of rabid squirrels. They had evil red eyes and an evil foaming mouth. And as Star Wars Episode I music started to play, Matt pulled some acorns out of hammerspace and started to eat them.

"You idiot!" said John. "Squirrels like acorns!"

Then John got an idea. John kicked a squirrel, and it went flying all the way across the field. Then a thought occurred to John: these squirrels are rabid. If I kick them, they will hold me down somehow and bite me. So, John kicked Matt's bowl of acorns, which scattered all over the field. The squirrels scattered.

It still wasn't over yet, though. Matt and John continued to run toward the drill, the ground stil shaking.

"Maybe the Earth is farting," suggested Matt. "Maybe this field is the Earth's anus."

Suddenly, evil blood-sucking monsters fell from the sky. "So it rains blood-sucking monsters on Earth's anus?" said John sarcastically.

"Yeah, those are..." but Matt was cut off as one of the long fanged blood-sucking monsters tried to bite Matt's arm off.

"RUN FASTER!" yelled Matt.

John jumped over a blood-sucking monster, accidentally landing on its head. Its head was squishy. Then John got an idea...

John took out a knife and cut himself...oh wait... John took out a knife and cut Matt... oh wait... John took out a knife and sliced a bird open, making blood go flying everywhere and the monsters to scatter.

Now they were only fifty feet away from the drill. But suddenly the ground began to shake harder than ever before. Then, the ground between Matt and John and the drill split.

"We have to jump!" yelled Matt. He tried to jump over the crack in the ground but accidentally hit his head on nothing and fell down. Luckily, he didn't fall in the crack in the ground. Then John tried to jump over it. Twas simple.

John entered the drill, truned the key, and pressed a few buttons at random. Somehow, John managed to dig to the other side of the crack in the ground, save Matt from the pecking owls, rabid squirrels, and blood-sucking monsters, and exit 1501 Maple Street.

Somewhere else in the world, Payper heard a knock on his door. He was currently hiding in an abandoned house. *But why was there a knock on this door*, wondered Payper. Payper decided to answer the door anyway.

There was a briefcase outside. Payper took it inside and opened it. Inside were two buttons labeled "Destroy Everything" and "Demonstration". Payper chuckled. *But who would give this to me, and can I rely on it?* Then, Payper realized. *This was what Hunter was talking about. This was the detonator.*


Chapter 7: The Escape (Featuring Chuck Norris)

Woody waited in his cell for any sign of a drill approaching. He was almost losing hope. He thought it was the blood-sucking monsters that finished Matt and John. Or maybe it was the rabid squirrels. A few times he heard a truck go past the jail, and he thought it was the drill. Then he heard it: Chuck Norris was approaching.

Chuck Norris picked up the jail from its current position, and threw it to the Moon. Chuck Norris then jumped all the way to the Moon, saved Woody, and went back to Earth.

"Thank you, Chuck," said Woody. "Are you gonna be in Brawl?"

"Why yes I am," said Chuck. "And I'm gonna pwn Mario!"

Woody awoke from his dream. "No!" cried Woody dramatically, seeing he was still in jail. Then, Woody heard a noise that sounded like a drill. They were here! Woody waited for a little bit, and then, BOOM! The wall was broken to pieces and Woody was hit rather hard on the head with one of the cement shards. Almost...too hard. It didn't matter to him, though, he was now free!

"Hop in!" said Matt. He had his hood up, and he was holding a water gun.

Suddenly, the caffeinated guards broke right through the dirt bars and charged at Woody. Woody jumped in the drill, but one guard had grabbed his feet... and he was putting salt and pepper on it! Woody wiggled and wriggled, but the guard's grip was too firm. Then the guard opened his mouth, Woody still struggling. And just as the guard was about to take a bite out of Woody, John sprayed pepper spray in the eyes of the guard.

"AWWWWW!!!!!!!" screamed the guard in complete pain. "I NEED...COFFEE!!!...CUP!!!"

Woody pulled his foot from the guard's grasp and quickly entered the drill. Matt, John, and Woody quickly drove away, but it wasn't enough. The guards could run at sixty miles per hour.

"We're going down!" cried Woody, who was driving. He pressed a button, but instead of diving into the ground, the drill started to fill up with water. "Oops," said Woody. "I pressed the 'Drown' button."

Woody pressed the button again to deactivate the water, which disappeared into the air. "That was...quick," said John.

Woody pressed a button, and the drill dove down into the ground. "We'll come up right where the Shelter is," said Woody. John, Matt, and Woody sat in silence for a few moments, and then John asked Matt, "Where do you think Payper is?"

"I don't know," said Matt. "We'll ask Videon when we get to the Shelter."

"Um...I wouldn't trust Videon if I were you," said Woody.

"What!?" shouted John. "Why not!?"

"Well, for starters, all papers are evil! Payper bit Videon and Videon became evil!" said Woody.

"But...Videon's a good paper," said John. "And I'd bet my life on it."

"Woody, just have faith," said Matt. "Everything will work out in the end."

Woody pressed a button and the drill rose to the surface. Woody then turned off the drill and jumped out. John and Matt got out too, and John realized he was in the garage of the Shelter.

They all entered the Shelter, where John heard a weird noise in the basement. "You hear that?" asked John to Matt.

"No, I'm deaf," said Matt.

Matt and John ventured into the basement, where they found Videon shoveling dirt into a hole.

"What are you doing?" asked John.

"I'm just...burying toilet paper," said Videon nervously.

"Right..." said Matt. "Um...you don't know where Payper is, do you?"

"No," said Videon almost immediately. "But, he's planted a bomb under the city."

"O...M...G!" said Matt. "That's what Hunter was talking about! Before he died!"


Chapter 8: Dictator

John was watching Winnie the Pooh one evening when the news suddenly came on. John turned to Nick Jr., but there was the news on that, too. Some guy on the TV was saying, "We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin." The man on TV looked like his hair was alive. "The notorious toilet paper, Payper, is saying that if we don't make him dictator, he'll blow up the world! We'll go to Chuck for the story."

"Thanks Ishkabobalalobaloo-adonkeybrainabobcobchoblobahobcobbob-obmansonface!" said Chuck, standing in the middle of a road, where Payper was standing atop four cars which were on top of each other. "Let's listen to this idiot talk!"

The cameraman moved the camera so only Payper and the four cars were onscreen. Payper was holding something. A briefcase.

"Matt! Woody! Videon! Come over here now!" shouted John. Matt, Woody, and Videon quickly surrounded the TV and watched it in horror.

"I, Payper, will blow up the world," said Payper on the television screen. "Unless I become world dictator! Mwah ha ha!"

The spectators watching from the ground laughed. "So you don't believe me, huh?" said Payper in response. "Do you want a little demonstration, possibly?"

The crowd stopped laughing. "I thought so," said Payper. "Now, make me dictator!" the crowd stood there in silence. Then, one man ran up to the pile of cars and kicked it. The cars began to topple, and the top two cars fell. Payper hit the ground, still clutching his briefcase, but got back up almost immediately and climbed on the two cars that were still on top of each other.

"You will pay dearly for that!" shouted Payper loudly to the man who kicked the car. He quickly took out a sword and threw it at the guy. It missed by less than a foot. "And for those who laughed at me...well, here's your price."

Payper opened his briefcase and pressed the "Demonstration" button. It made a loud beeping sound, so most assumed he did something, but no one in the crowd knew what. Not even Payper. The crowd just stood there for a few moments, but then someone called out, "New York City! It's been completely obliterated!"

Payper smiled. "Dictator if you want to live," he demanded evilly. As the crowd said nothing, Payper commanded, "Bow down to me!"

Only a few people didn't bow, but Payper did care. "BOW!" he commanded, and they did. However, they were silently planning Payper's death. Payper then looked straight into the camera and yelled, "BOW!!" The camera slowly dipped down.

John turned off the TV. "That's...that's...that's the bomb Hunter must've been talking about!"

"More importantly," said Woody, "We're all gonna die."


Chapter 9: To Be Stronger

Not only did Payper gain more enemies, but gained followers. These followers would follow Payper around and obey any order, including, "Go jump off a bridge," or, "Stab yourself with a knife."

Then one day, Payper thought that he should make these followers into spies. "Go to the Shelter and find out what Woody, Matt, John, and Videon are doing," he told them. "Especially Videon," he added.

The followers obeyed. They went to the Shelter and listened to the voices that could be heard from the chimney.

"I just finished this new potion," said Woody. "It'll make capturing Payper much easier. You just put the potion in this machine here, push this button, and it'll suck up any toilet paper in a one-mile-radius."

"Awesome!" said John. "So, can you use it a bunch of times with only one bottleful of potion?"

"One vial-ful supplies five uses," said Woody. "The machine's portable too."

"Hey, what happens if you drink it?" asked Matt. "It looks rather tasty!"

"If you drink it, you'd absorb all toilet papers in a five-mile radius into your body," explained Woody. "So you'd become one huge toilet paper. If this got into Payper's hands, the results would be disastrous."

That was all the followers needed. They returned to Payper and told him what they heard.

"What about Videon?" asked Payper.

"We didn't hear from him," said the followers.

"Well then, here's what I want you to do," said Payper. "Go back to the Shelter tonight. Then steal the potion."

The followers obeyed and returned to the Shelter that night. However, not only was the front door locked, but also the back door. This called for some hacksome lockpick skillz. SG1 (Spy Guy One) took out a lockpick and attempted to pick a lock. However, his lockpick broke, even though it was made of metal.

SG2 happened to have a brick. SG2 said, "It's simple! We just chuck it through the window!"

SG1 worried, "What if they wake up?"

"Then we chuck the brick at them!" replied SG2. "They'll never know we've been here!"

"Right," said SG1, and SG2 chucked the brick through the window, which made an alarm sound. The SG's quickly jumped behind some bushes.

Then SG3 said, "Wait, guys, I think we're breaking into the wrong building..."

The three followers were about to run to the building next door, but at that moment, a hobo came out of the house they had chucked a brick into. "Who's out dere!" he yelled to the world. "I was just watching channel 2 when somebody chucked a brick through my flat, clear, rectangular babies! I'm gonna get yous that did that, I will, I will!"

At this moment, SG2 took out a brick from his pocket and chucked it at the hobo. To make a long story short: blood, unconscious, and fat people. SG2 collected his brick in case he had to use it again.

Unfortunately, not only was the front door of the Shelter unlocked, but the back door was too, so SG2 didn't have to use the brick. "Aww..." said SG2.

They sneaked around inside the house, looking for the potion. Then they saw it. The potion was on a table, and next to the potion was Woody's head...still attached to his body...it was like a pillow.

"Shh..." said SG3. "We don't want to wake..."

"I KNOW WE DON'T WANT TO WAKE HIM!!!" yelled SG2 very loudly.

Woody woke up at this loudness. "Who are you?" he asked.

"Grab it and run!" shouted SG1, but instead, SG2 chucked a brick at Woody. While Woody was down, SG3 grabbed the potion, and they ran back to Payper.

Payper told the guys to leave after they gave him the potion, then called some ninjas in. "If I grow huge," he said to them, "Slaughter the three humans and capture Videon. If it doesn't work...slaughter the two humans and capture Woody and Videon. Understand?"

Payper drank the potion. To make a long story short, he grew huge.


Chapter 10: Assault

Woody quickly lifted his head off the table and pressed the secret alarm button - located behind a poster of Mario Kart. An alarm went off, and Matt and John quickly came over to Woody. Once the alarm stopped, Woody explained, "Some people...they came and stole the potion!"

Videon rushed up the stairs and came out of the basement. "Guys, we have to run!" he yelled.

"Why?" asked John.

"Yeah, why? Huh, huh?" said Matt obnoxiously.

"If they stole the potion and Payper's dictator," said Videon seriously, "You three are as good as dead."

At that moment, there was a knock on the door. Matt got annoyed by it, so he told the door to shut up, but then he thought it would shut up if he opened it. He walked toward the door...

"Don't answer it!" shouted Videon quickly.

"But it won't shut up!" argued Matt, and he opened the door. Standing right before the door were ninjas holding swords.

Matt ran as fast as a seahorse away from the door, while Woody and John grabbed swords from the shelf. John tossed one to Matt, who almost died because the sword almost split his neck open. Luckily Matt caught it before that happened. He did poke himself with it, though.

The ninjas looked around. Of course, it was smartest to reduce the number of people fighting. So the ninjas looked around and thought that Matt looked the weakest.

Matt was picking his nose with his sword at the time when he saw three ninjas charging at him. *They might kill me if I don't move*, thought Matt. *Oh well.*

And then right before Matt's head was separated from his neck, Woody blasted a laser cannon at the three ninjas. The ninjas got blasted into a wall.

Matt just noticed what was going on. Ninjas were in the building! Matt charged toward the ninjas and attempted to chop each of the fallen ones up, but he forgot his sword. Matt went back to get it.

Woody and John, who were sane, unlike Matt, ran over to the fallen ninjas. "Who do you work for?" interrogated Woody, in an Austin Powers voice.

"We'll never tell you," said one, jumping up suddenly.

"Yeah, never!" shouted the second ninja, jumping up.

"We'll never tell you Payper sent us!" said the third and final ninja, also jumping up.

"Videon was right," said Woody.

"Yeah he...hey...where is Videon?" asked John.

Matt walked over to Woody and John, holding his sword now. "ATTACK!" he shouted loudly, and charged at the ninjas. The ninjas didn't even flinch as they grabbed Matt's hand, sword, and then his neck. The ninja aimed his sword at Matt's neck, when Woody and John flung into the fray and cut the ninja's hand, mkaing him drop Matt. Then, it was on.

Meanwhile, Videon was hurrying as quickly as he possibly could to Payper Estate, where Payper now lived. When Videon finally got there, the first thing Videon noticed was that there was a huge hole in the side of the building. And I mean huge.

*No!* thought Videon. His plan was going all wrong. With Payper big, there would be no way of injecting the anti-evil and anti-life potions into him. He needed Payper to become small again. Otherwise, his plane would ultimately fail. Then he realized - Videon hurried back to the Shelter, in hopes that Woody was still alive.

At the Shelter, one of the ninjas was unconscious, and so was Matt (Matt actually knocked himself unconscious when he was picking his nose). Woody was fighting a ninja, and John got cornered in a corner by the other.

"Your life is about to end," said the ninja, as he was about to cut John in half. John ducked, the sword barely missing him. John then crouch-ran to the shelf to get a sword, but the ninja who was fighting Woody abandoned Woody and attacked John. The ninja swung down at John, and John had a large gash in his back. John felt like he was about to faint, and he just watched as the ninja himself fell down with a gash from Woody's sword. Then, everything went black. There was now only one ninja and one Woody left standing.

Woody and the ninja charged at each other, and each of their swords clashed together. Woody and the ninja then began to fight in an absolutely fierce battle involving extreme pain, quick movement, and jumping and spinning. The ninja and Woody were still fighting even when there was a thick rumbling in the ground. Then, the ninja caught Woody offguard and disarmed him. The sword flew away and stuck into a wall.

"Your death is imminent," said the ninja. But just then, the ground shook harder than ever before, and then a huge foot slammed through the roof of the Shelter and crushed the ninja. A toilet paper's foot.


Chapter 11: Giant

Woody ran over to John and poured ice on him, making John wake up. Then Woody took the sword out of Matt's nose, and Matt awoke.

John saw it immediately. Payper was huge and was destroying the Shelter. Matt thought the foot was of Zeus's, and he called the foot Dr. Zeus. Still, they ran for life.

They exited the Shelter and ran down the street as Payper followed, rumbling the ground with every footstep. John's instinct told him to run on, despite the feeling of coughing up blood, but Matt had the urge to run while nosepicking, but it was too hard.

"Where do we go?" asked John to Woody.

Woody replied, "I'll hold Payper off while you two run away."

"What!? No!!" said John. "I want to help!"

"You can't help," said Woody. "I started this, and I need to end this."

Woody turned around and charged at Payper.

Meanwhile, Videon had just gotten back to the Shelter, and he saw that it was completely obliterated. But Videon doubted the three were dead. Hearing a peculiar rumbling in the distance, Videon ran toward it.

When Videon got closer, he saw Woody charging at the gigantic Payper. *He's gonna kill himself!* thought Videon. Videon needed Woody, so he had to stop him from dying. And Videon knew how.

Videon took out a foghorn from hammerspace. This was risky, because the foghorn would knock both him and Payper out. Videon pushed down the button, and the foghorn went off.

Woody, who was charging at Payper, just realized that Payper was falling over. "Yes!" called Woody into the night. "I killed it...somehow."

Matt and John came rushing over. "You did it?" they stared at the non-moving body of Payper.

"Hey, you guys hear that foghorn?" asked Matt.

"Oh...a foghorn knocked him out. Hmm...am I dead or something?" realized Woody.

"Well, quickly shrink him back to normal size!" ordered John.

"Oh right," said Woody. "I made a shrink potion while running. I haven't tested it yet, but-"

"What could you have tested it on?"

"Um..." said Woody. "Nevermind. But because his paper is so thick and hard, I need to crawl in his lower roll and inject the potion into the bottom of his head."

Woody climbed up Payper's legs amd entered his hole.

"Eww..." said Matt.

Woody climbed inside the roll, knowing eventually he'd get to the top. He was holding only the needle to inject the potion, and in his pocket was pocket knife (which he used in jail to tally the number of days he'd been in, and to cut himself).

But then, a few minutes after he'd been in there, the floor (or whatever) began to slant until it became completely vertical. The roll was too smooth to hang onto, so Woody THINKed FAST! and took out his pocket knife and stuck it in the cardboard. WOody held onto the knife tightly, hanging down. Then Woody had an idea. Holding the needle in his left hand and the knife in his right, Woody began to climb up Payper.

Meanwhile, Videon had just awoken. *Oh no!* thought Videon as he saw Payper getting up, still huge. Videon fumbled for the foghorn and pressed the button, but the foghorn was out of sound. All Videon could do was wait.

Woody was now as high up he could go inside Payper. Payper's head was directly above him. Woody stabbed the needle into the bottom of Payper's head and injected the potion. Woody knew the potion would take effect almost immediately, so he had to get out of Payper's roll as soon as possible or else he'd be crushed.

Woody let go of his pocket knife and fell.

John watched as Woody fell out of Payper, and Payper shrunk. "Is Woody...dead?" asked John, referring to the mess of a human on the ground, who just fell fifty feet.

Payper, who had just shrunken back to normal size, put two fingers on Woody's neck. "He's dead!" laughed Payper.

"No!" cried John. Matt sang that "Nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye" song.

But as Payper laughed, a sword struck Payper, and Payper unrolled. Woody jumped up, grabbed a needle filled with anti-evil potion, and attempted to stab Payper's bare roll with it, but Payper was running as fast as he could away from Woody. "Oh no you don't!" said Videon, and he tackled Payper.

As the two fought, John asked Woody, "How did you-?"

"I have this belt where I keep all my inventions," said Woody. "It's my own little hammerspace."

"But your pulse? How did you stop your heart from beating?" asked John.

"I think it's obvious," explained Matt. "He told his heart to shut up."

"Well I know a trick involving a ball under the armpit," explained Woody, ignoring Matt.

"And the fall?" asked John.

"Yeah, it hurt," responded Woody.

"I meant how'd you survive a fifty foot fall?" asked John.

"I fell and I hit the ground hard. I think I might have broken my leg. What more do you need?" replied Woody, annoyed.

"He's getting away!" cried Videon suddenly. "He's running back to Payper Estate!"


Chapter 12: Amateur ATTACK

Larry, Dexter, and Frank had carefully planned an assault on Payper Estate and were now ready to put their plan into action. They were ready to fight to the death.

The three approached the front door, which wasn't a normal front door - instead of having two doors, the estate had two large steel walls constantly crashing into the other, crushing anything that tried to get through. "You have the metal bar?" Larry asked to Frank.

Frank took out a metal bar and stuck it in between the two walls. The walls crashed into the bar and stayed stationary. Larry and Dexter ran through to get inside first, and then Frank.

Frank was extremely scared to be in here. Frank wasn't scared of dying, just he didn't want to feel any pain. So Frank ran as quickly as he possibly could to get past the wall obstacle.

But the bar couldn't withstand the force of the walls, and it bent inward. Then, with a loud CRUSH, the bar broke into pieces, and Frank got crushed. Blood splattered everywhere. Frank got his quick death.

"No!" cried Larry, but Dexter and him went on... on to a hallway filled with giant swining axes, scythes, and medieval balls on chains.

"We just need to charge right through this," explained Larry. Larry ran into the hallway at almost the same time as Dexter, dodging scythes and axes and balls on chains. But then without warning, Larry felt a sharp, painful axe cutting his skin open, and then Larry was dead.

"No!" cried Dexter, but this was no time to get emotional. Dexter couldn't continue on though, since Larry had the sword to kill Payper. So Dexter dove through the mess of giant swinging weapons and crouched over Larry's body, whose head was separated from his neck, and his body was surrounded by a pool of blood. Dexter quickly grabbed Larry's sword and ran back down the hallway to get to a door. Dexter kicked down the door and walked inside a large, open room. And at the far end of the room were a couple of stairs leading to a throne...which Payper was sitting on, who was still unrolled.

"This will be too easy," said Dexter, charging at Payper. Payper didn't move. Finally, Dexter stepped up the stairs and stabbed Payper where a human's heart would be. Dexter smiled, but this triumph did not last long.

"What are you, an idiot?" said Payper.

"How are you...not dead?" asked Dexter. Payper didn't answer him. Instead, Payper took the sword out of his roll and killed Dexter with it.

*Hmm...if these wimps could get past my traps...I'm gonna have to make my traps stronger and tougher*, thought Payper.


Chapter 13: The Final Showdown

After three days of preparing, Woody, John, Matt, and Videon were standing at the front door of Payper Estate. The crushing one.

"So, the potions are done?" John asked Woody.

"Well, the anti-evil potion seems to pass all the tests I give it," answered Woody. "But I'm not so confident on the anti-life potion. I couldn't get a never-living dummy. It's like trying to find a human that never lived!"

"But anyway," continued Woody, "Payper designed this door so only a toilet paper could get through. So...Videon..."

Videon walked through the colliding walls and flipped the switch inside to stop the walls from smashing into each other. The three humans entered Payper Estate.

Woody took care of the giant swinging weapons by shooting an electronically charged laser at each of the giant swinging weapons, making them stop swinging. The four then ran down the hall to get to a door. John opened it, and strangely, it was unlocked.

They were now in the throne room. On the other side of the room was Payper sitting in his throne, unmoving. Woody took out his anti-evil potion and charged at Payper. When he got to the throne, Woody stabbed Payper with the needle, who still didn't move, and right before he was about to inject the potion...

"Don't inject it," cried Videon from across the room. "It's a fake!"

Woody obeyed Videon, and took the needle out of the fake Payper. But just as he did, a net fell on him from the ceiling. Then, Payper jumped down from the ceiling, holding his briefcase. Videon immediately tackled Payper, making the briefcase fly across the room until it hit a wall near where Woody was. Videon ran after it, as Payper chased him with an unroll-a-paper sword. Matt and John ran over to Woody.

"Get me out of this net!" cried Woody. John took out a sword and sliced open the net. Woody struggled out. Woody then ran after Payper, who was currently battling Videon in an epic sword fight. Payper was holding the briefcase in one hand and his sword in the other.

"What do we do?" asked John to Matt, watching the two papers fight.

"I think we must...make popcorn," answered Matt, and they went to find a microwave oven.

Payper swung his sword furiously at Videon. Videon dodged his attacks, but he'd have to strike eventually. Videon only wanted the briefcase, and to get that, he'd have to strike Payper's hand.

John and Matt couldn't find a microwave oven anywhere, so they came back in. And to their horror...nothing major had happened since they had left.

But just then, Woody attempted to stab Payper with the needle, but Payper struck Woody with his sword, and Woody flew across the room until he hit a wall. The needle also flew up into the air, but John caught it. Payper just shrugged, then continued trying to kill Videon.

John ran over to Woody. "Ugg...k-k-kill h-h-h-him," he said. He gave John the anti-life potion with the final ounce of energy he had, and then he died.

"NOOOO!!" cried John to the camera on the ceiling. John looked over to Payper, and slitted his eyes with vengeance. John charged at Payper and stabbed Payper with the needle and injected the anti-evil potion. Payper flew back a few feet, unconscious, and the briefcase flew up into the air. Videon caught it.

"Now, finish him off, John. Kill Payper once and for all!" shouted Videon.

John stabbed the anti-life potion into Payper, but before he injected the potion, Matt yelled, "He's not evil anymore! There's no reason to kill him!"

"Don't listen to him!" shouted Videon. "Inject the potion! DO IT NOW!"

John had an important decision to make. Should he trust the idiotic Matt and not kill Payper, or should he listen to Videon and kill the evil killing machine known as Payper?

John injected the potion.

"HA! FOOL!" laughed Videon.

"What?" said John, confused.

"Now that Payper's dead, I'll be the only living thing left in the solar system when I blow up the world!" said Videon in triumph.

"What!?!?" cried John.

"You don't get it, do you? I was working against you from the beginning!" explained Videon. "I was trying to kill every toilet paper from the beginning! Especially him." Videon pointed to Payper's dead body. "So I hatched a plan. If I wanted to destroy everything, I'd need a bomb! So I poisoned you two, and while you two were at the hospital, I dug a hole to the center of the Earth, planted a bomb, then put all the dirt back in! Ha ha ha!"

John noticed Matt was slowly moving toward the unroll-a-paper sword Payper was holding.

"Then, I gave the detonator to Payper, who I knew would only use the demonstration, allowing me to get off carrying this briefcase until now. And with Payper as dictator, he could easily be caught offguard!" said Videon. Videon opened the briefcase. "And now... bye bye!"

Videon dodged Matt's swing of the sword and ran to Woody, stole a pair of rocket boots from him, slipped them on in point-five seconds, and pressed the "Destroy Everything" button.

Immediately, John felt himself flying upward, then pain beyond belief. He didn't know what was happening, as his senses were failing him. He couldn't see anything, so he had absolutely no clue what was going on. Then, for a split second he felt the most pain he'd ever felt in his life in his head, and everything was over.

Everything was over.


Chapter 14: The Way Ze World Ends

Videon flew through the roof using the rocket boots, as the roof was already half destroyed. Videon looked down and laughed at everyone dying and the world splitting open. No one could stop him now, for everyone was dead.

When Videon had gotten to a high enough height to see most of the Earth, he stopped moving and looked down on it. He laughed.

But suddenly, Videon felt himself being unrolled. "What the-?" he wondered, but then he realized.

"How are you alive?" Videon asked to Payper, who was unrolling him.

"I don't know," said Payper. "But I'm making up for my evilness now. And I'll start by killing you."

"You're such a fool, Payper," said Videon. "How can killing me help you?"

"You're evil, and evil needs to go bye-bye. Endo story," Payper said.

Videon laughed. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! You don't even have anything to kill me with!"

Payper finally finished unrolling Videon; Videon was a bare roll now. "Oh I've got something to kill you with," said Payper, and before Videon could stop him, Payper took his crown off his head and stabbed Videon with it. Videon's head disintegrated.

Then, Payper stole Videon's rocket boots and pushed Videon toward the sun, where he would eventually burn up. And by eventually, I mean 200 years later.

Payper turned away from Videon, and he flew off into space.


The End?


















Epilogue

Woody awoke to the sight of Payper leaning over him. "You!" he shouted with anger.

"No, no, I'm not evil now," explained Payper. "John injected me with the anti-evil potion."

"So how am I alive?" asked Woody. "And where am I?" he asked after looking around. He thought he recognized the Hollywood sign, but only a few letters were intact. He looked over to where the city would be, but all he saw was space.

"Well, after you died - yes, you died - John stabbed me with both potions, but the anti-life potion didn't work, I guess," said Payper.

"I thought it wouldn't," said Woody. "I knew that ventriloquist was lying to me!"

"Well, anyway," continued Payper, "Videon betrayed everyone and he blew up the world."

"I knew he was a traitor!" shouted Woody. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! So where is he? I want to kill him."

"He's dead," explained Payper. "I killed him."

"Good," said Woody.

"I landed on this large chunk of Earth over here, and I saw you laying next to your lab," explained Payper. "So I ran inside the lab and gave you the life potion."

"So...now I can't die," said Woody. "But... I don't deserve to live. I created them... and now... just look what happened!"

"No... I don't deserve to live," admitted Payper. "I was... just plain evil, I mean, even though I was influenced by the evil potion..."

"Nevermind whose fault it was that this happened," said Woody. "If you saved me, then I can save anyone...provided their body didn't burn up."

Woody walked into his lab, which was the biggest mess ever. Potion bottle glass was scattered all around the floor, and a blackish mess of mixed potions was spilled upon the floor. Woody was careful not to touch it, for he didn't know the effects of what could happen.

"First we'll have to rebuild the planet itself," Woody said to Payper, who was standing at the entrance. "Of course, all my materials are wrecked, but..." then it hit him. "A fusion potion...of course!"

"What's that?" asked Payper.

"It'll bring the world back together!" exclaimed Woody. "And the people on it too! Except...some ingredients are only found in South America..."

"Well then, let's go!" said Payper. "We can fly there with my rocket boots!"

"This will be hard and long work-" started Woody, but he got interrupted.

"Just shut up and we'll be off," shouted Payper.

"All right, all right," said Woody. "Just one question... where'd you find the life potion?"

"Oh, I just fed you the stuff on the floor," said Payper.

Woody did the math in his head. "I have a Hitler mustache right now, don't I?" Woody asked.

"It's not permanent, is it?" Payper asked.

"It is," said Woody miserably.

Woody's and Payper's adventures continued, involving boring and unexciting events, such as giving potions to plants or trying thousands of potions to get rid of Hitler mustaches, but in the end, the world was restored...and Woody still couldn't get rid of his mustache.


THE END