The Legend of Cleff: Macarena Time, Pt. 2 (8/27/08 - 11/7/08)


Chapter 4: The Forest Temple

Cleff awoke in some weird blue sage council room. In front of him was a fat guy.

"I'm the Great Sage," said the fat guy.

"What's going on?" asked Cleff.

"Well, you sort of led Cannondork to the Triforce and he turned the land into a barren wasteland where zombies roam the streets. So I let the world rot as you grew up seven years."

"What!?" exclaimed Cleff. "Seven years went by!?" Cleff looked at himself.

"Yeah, Cannondork has a castle where Myrules Castle was, but the only way to get to it is to create a rainbow bridge to it. But the only people who can make rainbow bridges are the six sages, so you got to go find them."

"Cool... so what do these sages look like?" asked Cleff.

"Well, they're all people from your past and all don't know they're sages," said the fat guy. "And I'm one. Luckily though, if you touch the medallion hidden in each temple, they'll automatically know they're a sage. Okay, bye now!"

"Hey, wait! How do I find..." but Cleff was already gone.

Cleff appeared inside the Temple of Time where he had left it, but the room wasn't empty. In the shadows was [not Zelda] some weird guy wearing blue.

"I'm Sheip," [s]he said.

"Sheep?" wondered Cleff.

"No. Shut up." said Sheep. "Anyway, I just wanted to say hi because I like saving the world too and I'm gonna be interfering with your life from now on."

"Right," said Cleff, but Sheip had already disappeared in a burst of a smoke grenade.

Once he was gone, a familiar...uh...face emerged from the shadows.

"Hi Cleff!" said Compass, flying out from the shadows.

"YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!?" shouted Cleff in horror.

"Of course I'm still alive," said Compass. "When you're dying I'll be still alive. But I've been waiting in this room for seven years for you to come back. You should see how Saria's doing."

"No," said Cleff.

"Listen!" said Compass annoyingly. "You should see how Saria's doing."

"Ugh...fine," said Cleff, who had nothing better to do.

So Cleff headed east, to Mokiri forest. Little did he know, the Mokiris were terribly afraid of adults.

"Hello," Cleff said to one. "Do you know where..."

"AHHH!" yelled the Mokiri, who ran in his house and slammed the door.

Cleff decided to walk into the store. The storeowner aimed a crossbow at him, but Cleff showed the rupees and said, "Do you know where Saria is?"

"Oh, she got kidnapped by a painting who went into the woods," said the storeowner.

"Thanks," said Cleff, proceeding to shoot the guy and steal some arrows. Cleff left the store and walked to the large vine he had to climb up to enter the woods, but the vine was gone! In its place was some hook that he couldn't reach.

"Maybe you should go to the graveyard," suggested Compass.

"That's...random," said Cleff, but he went anyways.

When he arrived, he heard the sad news that the gravekeeper Dampé had died, so Cleff decided to dig up Dampé's grave because he probably had some loose change in his pockets. Cleff kicked the grave and there was a hole, so Cleff jumped down it to find... the ghost of Dampé!

"Hey kid race me I'll give you hookshot ready go," said the ghost, enrolling Cleff into a race. Cleff immediately began to run. He dashed down a corridor that was twenty feet long and crossed the finish line in a matter of seconds. Cleff looked back to see Dampé was still at the starting point. Cleff walked back over to Dampé's ghost.

"Stupid not being able to move as ghost take your hookshot," said Dampé, giving Cleff the hookshot.

Cleff grabbed the hookshot and then proceeded to shoot Dampé with a crossbow, but unfortunately, he missed.

Anyways, Dampé's tunnel led out into the windmill of Makariko Village (for some reason), where some old Scottish guy was playing a nice little jig. Cleff punched him in the face before leaving and heading back to Mokiri Forest. There, he used his hookshot to climb up a cliff and enter the Lost Woods.

And Cleff got really lost. Like really lost. No, like really really really lost.

Luckily though, he found a monkey who knew the woods very well...somehow. Anyways, Cleff followed the thing to some building that had cobwebs all over it and ghosts flying around it.

"It's the Forest Temple!" exclaimed Compass.

"And it has ghosts! Yay! Ghosts!" exclaimed Cleff, walking inside.

*****

Immediately as he entered, a skulltula dropped from the ceiling and attacked Cleff. "AHH!" screamed Cleff, before realizing it was just a spider and it could hardly hurt him. Cleff continued into the main room of the temple, where four unlit torches were.

"Oh no!" said Cleff in a mock horror voice. "Because I don't have a fire weapon in my inventory, I'll have to explore the temple!"

"No you won't," said four poe ghosts in unison, coming out of the walls and moving towards the center of the room.

"Oh wow, the idiots came to me!" said Cleff. Cleff attempted to shoot each ghost with his crossbow, but he missed. So Cleff walked to the center of the room and all the ghosts started to dance in circles around him.

Cleff tried to attack the ghosts with his sword, but he missed also.

"How do I beat these guys?" wondered Cleff.

"[not Link] Cleff!" came the Great Sage's voice from no where. "Use the power of friendship!"

"No!" objected Cleff, but Compass listened to his advice.

"Liek, you wanna be bffs?" asked Compass to the ghosts.

"~~~~~~! (Liek, omigosh, sure!)" said the ghosts back in unison.

"Well then, liek, lite thoes torchs!" said Compass.

"~~~~~ (But they only light if we're dead)," said the ghosts.

"But you're already dead," said Compass.

"~~ (Good point)," said the ghosts, and they disappeared as the torches lit.

"Wow...were they really that stupid?" wondered Cleff.

"NO!" answered an evil voice, and a trapdoor opened, making Cleff fall to his almost death.

Cleff landed in a room with six of the same paintings on the walls around him.

A voice shook the room. "You're going to die here!" The sound of a horse trotting roared across the room. Cleff turned to see that one of the paintings had a moving horse with some phantom on top of it.

"Whoa!" said Cleff. "A moving painting!"

"Oh, it's moving," said Compass. "Uh... you should get out your crossbow."

"Hahano!" said Cleff. "I know you might hate artwork, but..."

At that moment, the phantom on a horse jumped out of the painting and across the room, throwing lightning at Cleff as he did. Cleff jumped back in fear and immediately took out his crossbow. "I see yer point thar," said Cleff to Compass.

Cleff fired an arrow at the painting that the phantom had run into, but the arrow just hit the painting and destroyed the artwork completely.

"Awwww..." said Cleff, feeling sorry for the painting.

As the phantom jumped out of a different painting, Cleff shot it with his crossbow. It hit him, but the phantom didn't seem to be hurt besides falling to the floor, bleeding profusely, and yelling "Gaaaah!"

Cleff walked over and kicked the phantom's body. "Ha ha, you're dying!" laughed Cleff.

"That's mean," said Compass. "But rip his leg off so we can eat it before he turns into an item...oh wait, nevermind."

The phantom exploded, showing that inside the phantom's fat belly was a medallion and Saria.

"Thank you Tim!" said Saria. "I was so scared inside that phantom's tummy, and I'm so glad you..." Cleff touched the medallion. "I'm a sage. I'm a sage. Go into the blue light. Triforce."


Chapter 5: Fire Temple

Cleff ate some octorock for dinner at some restaurant in Makariko Village that night, and afterward he slept in a homeless guy's house.

When Cleff awoke the next day, Sheip was waiting for him outside. "Hey Sheep!" said Cleff.

"It's Sheip!" said Sheip. "Anyways, Canondork's sort of trying to kill this village, you know. He made that dormant volcano on Moron Mountain active again. You should check it out."

"Why?" asked Cleff.

"Because," said Sheip.

"How about no and screw you," said Cleff, walking away.

"Wait!" begged Sheip, taking out an ocarina. "At least listen to this song!"

Cleff stopped and listened. Sheip played some song about Great Boleros of Fire, and suddenly he began to feel really hot...because somehow, after Sheip played this, he ended up in the active volcano's crater!

"What the... what the carp did you do?" yelled Cleff.

"It's for your own good!" said Sheip, and she disappeared.

Cleff looked around quickly: there was a building with an entrance labeled "Fire Temple", lava, and a Moron selling fruits and vegetables. None of these locations looked safe...at all, but Cleff chose the Fire Temple simply because he thought he'd see bearded people with big noses in there.

*****

Boy was he wrong! The temple was filled with Morons in locked cages! "Help us!" they yelled.

"Nope!" said Cleff happily, walking away. Cleff went through a door and came to a room filled with lava.

"Hey, if I touch that, will I die?" asked Cleff to Compass.

"Try it," suggested Compass.

Cleff didn't though. He jumped on rocks in the lava that moved in choreographed patterns to get across the room. And on the other side, there were stairs!

"What are these preposterous things?" wondered Cleff. "I'll never use these!" So Cleff teleported up them instead of using the stairs.

Cleff walked into the next room to see a large sledgehammer on the other side of it. "Ooh, just what I need to bash the Great Sage's head in!" exclaimed Cleff. He began to walk toward it, but A FLAME WALL OF DEATH began chasing him.

"O DER!" said Cleff, running away from it. But then he got tired of running [three feet] so he stopped and wondered what it would be like to be burnt alive. The flame wall hit him and... Cleff lost a heart. "Wait, that's it?" Cleff bit the head off a fairy to get his health back. Afterwards, he simply walked across the room and grabbed the sledgehammer.

Now, Cleff was about to go through the door when he realized he was holding a sledgehammer, so he just knocked it down. Then he realized the floor was kinda pointless too, so he destroyed that. Of course, with no floor, Cleff fell onto a large rock in the middle of the volcano, the home of some mythical dragon who had caused the volcano to spew lava like it was spewing water out of a water bottle that was filled and upside-down with the cap off.

Volvuga came down from the uh...sky and fire shot up from no where. "Ha ha!" laughed Compass. "You're so gonna die. This boss is haaaaard!"

As Volvuga magically defied physics, fire rained from the sky. Cleff of course got hit by the nearly unavoidable flames, but he had a plan. When Volvuga came down low to attack Cleff like the other idiot bosses, Cleff hit him with his sword! Unfortunately...that did nothing. And neither did the pen, even though it was mightier or whatever.

"You know," said Compass, "I bet you could smash that gravity-defying dragon up with your hammer."

Cleff agreed, and he took his hammer out of hammerspace. As he did though, Volvuga flew inside of the rock he was standing on. The ground began to shake suddenly, and Volvuga came up from below his feet! Cleff was tossed up into the air, but Cleff hit the thing with his hammer as he fell to the ground.

Oh yeah, and then Cleff hit the ground, and it hurt. Like, it hurt so much that the fire that rained down after he landed hurt just as much.

Don't worry though, Volvuga was hurt too; it blinked red for half a second. Then it charged down at Cleff. Cleff jumped on top of it and rode it like a horsey. "Wee!" said Cleff, just before his body caught on fire and he tumbled back to rock. Volvuga flew into the rock again soon afterward.

Cleff got an idea: "I'll drop TNT down the hole!"

As Cleff lit the explosive and dropped it in the hole, Compass said, "I don't think that's a very great..." but the rock had already exploded.

Cleff flew through the air and saw there were no hardened rocks of lava below him, so he was probably screwed. But this is a book, and in books, characters don't get screwed...wait, that came out wrong.

Oh yeah, some fire medallion was flying through the air below Cleff. Cleff touched it and he went into a blue light!...for some reason that isn't consistent with the last time...

Anyways, Cleff appeared in the sage council again. Saria, the Great Sage, and some fat Moron were there. "Yo, sworn bro, I'm da Fire Sage!" he said. Cleff acted like he didn't know him.

"Well, good job, Cleff!" said the Great Sage. "Keep up the good work as I stay here lazily!"

And with that, Cleff suddenly appeared in Sora Domain. One thing was different from his last visit though: the entire place was frozen! The water was ice, the Soras were frozen corpses, and I can't think of a third thing.

"O DER," said Cleff.


Chapter 6: The Water Temple

Cleff looked around to see that the king of the Soras was frozen in a block of ice (he laughed for a few minutes), but was disappointed to see he couldn't find NaRuto or whatever. Anyways, Cleff went outside to see if Lava Lava was in a ball of ice too.

Unfortunately, Cleff found out Lava Lava had died, and his body parts floated to the top of the lake outside (which wasn't frozen somehow) to form a path leading to a cave. Cleff used said path of unsaid body parts to enter said cave.

In the cave Cleff entered was an ice floor, a ledge Cleff couldn't reach, and three ice blocks. Cleff said in monotone, "Hey ice block puzzle I haven't seen this before I bet it'll be fun I bet bet I won't hate it like I hate pineapples."

So Cleff walked onto the ice floor... and fell down. "OW!" yelled Cleff as blood ran profusely out his open gash! Of course, this gash/open wound only took away half a heart. YAYz!

cleff got back up and slid over to the ice block. He touched the side of the ice block with his finger and the ice block flew all the way to the other side of the room. "Yeah, I really don't feel like dealing with this," said Cleff, so he commanded Compass to fly him to the ledge.

"No," said Compass.

So Cleff tried a different tactic. Cleff took out the magical beans he had bought as a kid and planted one...in...the ice.

Cleff waited for a beanstalk to grow for five whole seconds, but it didn't sprout. "Uh...why isn't it growing?" wondered Cleff.

"Ugh... you're supposed to plant it as a kid, you idiot!" explained Compass nicely.

"Oh..." said Cleff. Then he got another idea. He walked over to a vending machine (just go with it) and put in a few rupees to buy two cans of Coke®. Then he took the two cans, put them down on the ice under the ledge, stood atop them, and [not: grabbed onto the edge and pulled himself up] Cleff fell and hit his head. He tried again though, and this time he actually made it onto the ledge!

Anyways, the next room was filled with a small lake of water that in no possible way Cleff could sink to the bottom of without iron boots. No, no way possible.

Right before Cleff could leave though, Sheip person came out of no where and said, "You will need something really heavy to go underwater. Try iron boots." And Sheip forced Cleff to put on a chunk of iron.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" asked Cleff.

"Nope!" exclaimed Sheip. "You're supposed to drown!"

After Cleff punched Sheip in the face, he jumped in the water and sunk to the bottom of the small lake inside the cave, where the entrance of the Water Temple was.

*****

Once inside, Cleff took off his iron boots and put them in his magical inventory to make himself rise to the surface. It's like they disappeared!

Anyways, Cleff ended up standing on top of a tall pillar. Below him and the pillar was a bunch of water, and in the water were a lot of caves and multiple pathways and stuff. Cleff really didn't care. He'd just try a random pathway and hope it led to something.

Well, the one Cleff chose happened to contain that NaRuto perosn. "Why are you here? I hate you!" said Cleff, but you can't speak underwater so Ruto thought Cleff was saying something nice. Oh, and because Cleff was stupid enough to talk, he began to drown.

"I'll save you because you were nice!" said Ruto, who rescued Cleff by grabbing him and bringing him to the surface. On a randomly floating platform, Cleff breathed in, and Ruto said, "You gots to marry me now!"

"No, shut up. I hate you," said Cleff.

Ruto sighed. "Well, I guess you won't want this longshot," she said. "I guess I'll give it to someone else..." She began to walk away.

"No!" exclaimed Cleff. "I want that!" But Ruto ignored him, walking through a door on the other side of the room. Cleff ran after her, but in the room NaRuto was in was only... well, everything around Cleff was just empty whiteness except a single tree on the other side of the room, and the door he came in. Cleff walked over to the tree and stood under it.

"Oh, I bet there's apples in this tree!" so Cleff shook it. However, no apples fell out... A dark evil clone did! And by dark, I mean black. As in, literally black.

Dark Cleff jump-lunged at Cleff, but Cleff dodged the attack like dodging Aunt Jemima's pancakes. Cleff took out his sword, which he hadn't used in a while, and swung at his opponent. Dark Cleff swung at the exact same time however, and they both touched each other's swords and didn't get hurt.

As Cleff turned and ran the other way to think of a plan, Dark Cleff did the same. However, Dark Cleff was smart, and while Cleff had his back turned, Dark Cleff began to sneak up behind Cleff. As Dark Cleff attempted to brutally behead Cleff, Cleff made his sledgehammer appear out of hammerspace and he swung it around at Dark Cleff. Dark Cleff randomly fell downward, as if the floor had disappeared.

Oh, then a chest appeared out of no where. Cleff walked over to it and opened it up, getting a longshot or something. Wow, a longer version of the hookshot...that's useful.

Well, it was useful enough for Cleff to get to the boss room with it. Though the boss room was less a boss room than it was a pool room at the YMCA. Though the water was an unnaturally blue color. And I mean unnaturally. There also was a dark blue gel in the pool too, and in the dark blue gel was an orange nucleus of some sort.

"Wow... this guy looks real tough," said Cleff sarcastically. "I don't think I can figure out I need to grab the nucleus with the longshot."

Of course though, Cleff was able to figure this out. Cleff stabbed the nucleus, and the boss was dead in a matter of seconds.

Inside the nucleus was the water medallion, which before Cleff could touch it, NaRuto ran into the room shouting, "No! Don't touch it! I'll become a slave!" But it was too late, because Cleff had already touched it.

"Must...make...rainbow...must...be...sage," mumbled Ruto.

"Yay!" said Cleff. "NaRuto's a slave to the greater power!"

And Cleff went to the [not: slave] sage council.

"Good job!" said the Great Sage. "Keep reeling in the suckaz!"

And Cleff wound up back in Makariko Village somehow.


Chapter 7: The Shadow Temple

Cleff walked toward the center of town, where a well was, but suddenly, a really strong wind began to blow. Cleff was knocked back into a wall and went unconscious.

When Cleff awoke, Sheip was leaning over him. "This town is haunted," he said.

"It is?" asked Cleff, leaning up.

"Just go with it. Anyways, there's only one item that can help you defeat ghosts, and it only exists in the past."

"Because I stole it," stated Cleff. "And how do I go to the past?"

"Sword in pedastal," answered Sheip.

"Cool!" said Cleff, and he headed back to the Temple of Time.

Cleff put the sword in the pedastal and traveled back in time seven years.

"Wait..." said Tim (Cleff). "Why can't I kill Canon in the past and stop this all from happening?"

"Shut up and stop being smart," the Great Sage's voice echoed from the sky.

"But..." started Cleff, but before he could finish, Mylians bursted through the doors of the temple.

"He looks like a firstborn!" yelled one. "Get him!"

And so Cleff got grabbed and thrown down a well. And by a comple-coincidence-and-not-because-of-the-narrator's-retarded-story-structure, it was the well in Makariko that he was supposed to go in. What luck!

At the bottom of the well, Cleff looked around. He saw the skulls of the other firstborns that the villagers had chucked in the well.

"They look dead," commented Compass.

Cleff waited and waited at the bottom of the well for days, growing hungry and thirsty. "Can I eat you?" asked Cleff to Compass.

"No," said Compass.

Eventually, Cleff began to grow insane. He thought maybe he could fly out of the well, but it only worked for two seconds, then he fell. But Cleff had another brilliant plan. He bet that he could walk through walls! And so he did.

After Cleff walked straight through a wall, he wound up in an ancient temple-cave that hadn't been inhabited by humans for hundreds of years.

Cleff immediately started to drink the sewage water on the floor, but he stopped as soon as he realized how disgusting it was.

Afterward, Cleff began to walk around the place, occasionally killing a few skulltulas with his sword. He never saw a door anywhere though. "Uh... how do I get out of this place?"

But then Cleff stepped on the floor and fell right through it. And he fell and fell and fell and fell until he landed in something squishy and wet. It began to suck on his entire body, and his shield slipped off. Then he got spit out.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" yelled Cleff. "My shield!" Cleff paused to cry. Then he said, "Oh well, it's pretty pointless anyways." Cleff proceeded to stab the creature who ate his shield repeatedly over and over again.

Cleff looked around to see he was in some underground cave with zombies in it. "I might be terribly afraid of zombies," suggested Cleff. So he walked by one and he was frozen in place, as the zombie still moved toward him. "I seem to be frozen in fear," said Cleff. "This is terribly annoying." The zombie moved closer and closer until it jumped onto Cleff's back and...ugh...the zombie...humped Cleff. Luckily it released Cleff in the end, and Cleff stabbed the sucker!

The zombie happened to be holding something, so Cleff took it out of the redead ReDead's hand.

"Ooh!" said Compass, looking at the item. "A magnifying glass! That may or may not be useful in any way!"

Cleff looked through the magnifying glass. It didn't magnify anything, but it did allow Cleff to see dead people (They walk around like normal people). Oh, plus, he could see through walls that looked real but were really holograms. No wait... those didn't exist yet, so Cleff was probably hallucinating the fake walls.

Whatever the case, Cleff used the Lens of Truth™ to find a path out of the stupid :well:. Before he went Back to the Future though, Cleff played one of the games that relied on chance in the Myrules' market.

"Test your luck at the chest game! Pay 10 rupees, pick the right chest, and get 20! Then you can keep the money or risk it all to get double the money!" explained the merchant. Cleff paid and proceeded to cheat his way through the game by looking through each chest with the Lens of Truth™. Oh, that clever, clever boy.

After five rooms of INTENSE CHEATING, Cleff came to a room where one chest had hover boots, and the other had Satin in it. Cleff, of course, chose the less funny one, and afterward, took the Master Sword out of its pedastal and went to the future. Wee! The future!

As a (still reatreaded) adult, Cleff headed to Makariko Village and jumped down a well. Looking through the Lens of Truth, it appeared that there was no escape, and he was trapped down there.

"Oh crap," said Cleff. And now he was stuck at the bottom of the well a second time. This time, though, Cleff really didn't feel like almost dying of thirst. So he cried out, "HELP! HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

The villagers thought the person in the well was only the village idiot, but Sheip knew better. She took out a harp and played a song, making Cleff warp to a cliff near the graveyard.

Cleff turned around to see the door to the Shadow Temple was behind him, but it was locked. There were a bunch of torches, all unlit, and Cleff *inferred* that they all had to be lit for the door to open. So Cleff cast a spell that cost him 200 MP, causing a barrier of fire to spread from all around him, lighting every torch in its path. The door didn't open though.

"DANG!" swore Cleff, his first clenched. Cleff now only had one other option: he had to shoot down the door to the Shadow Temple with a bazooka.

Before he did though, Cleff looked at the door with his Lens of Truth for no-to-some reason. The door to the Shadow Temple, in actuality, didn't exist!

"I knew I'd been hallucinating doors!" remarked Cleff, and he proceeded to walk into a door he hallucinated...and fell down.

*****

The first thing Cleff saw inside the Shadow Temple was a bottomless pit of doom. "O NO. I BESTerz NOTa FALL iN iT!" said Cleff, sptting in the hole to see how far it went down. After infinite minutes, Cleff realized that the hole was huge. Cleff knew better though to believe that such a hole could even exist. Cleff knew that if he looked through his Lens of Truth, the hole would disappear, so Cleff took a step onto the hole and... oh wait, it did actually exist.

Cleff proceeded to fall and fall and fall and fall and fall and fall and fall and fall and fall and fall and fart and fall and fall and fall and fall until infinite minutes later, when Cleff hit the bottom of the pit. He survived though... somehow. And lucky for Cleff, at the bottom of the pit was a conveniently placed trampoline, so after two infinites, Cleff made it across the pit.

"What took oyu forever?" asked Compass, who had crossed the pit after the Universe's Big Rip.

"Time," answered Cleff, and he continued into the main sanctuary of the temple, where a statue of an eagle was, with sacrificial podiums surrounding it.

"Ooh!" said Cleff. "I'll sacrifice a fairy!" And Cleff proceeded to grab Compass and slam him on a sacrificial podium.

"Hey!" yelled Compass. "This is mean!"

"I know!" said Cleff.

Before Cleff could sacrifice Compass to some imaginary god though, Compass escaped and flew over a pit, where he was definitely safe. Cleff was persistent though, so he dove after the fairy... but he fell in the dark pit. Luckily, this one was only fifteen feet deep and not bottomless.

Cleff killed some of the bats around him with his sword, then walked down a dark hallway. After walking a little bit, he got the feeling that he was being watched. A shadow of something began to appear around him, so Cleff dove out of the way. In the spot he was standing, a creature's hand came down from the ceiling and tried to grab him. Cleff got up and stabbed the thing. "That guy is annoying," understated Cleff.

Cleff came to a magical boat, and Cleff climbed aboard. The boat began to move, and two Lizalfoos fell from the ceiling and onto the ship. (The third missed and fell in a bottomless pit.) Cleff drew his sword and began to fight them.

As Lizalfoo one blocked high, Cleff said, "Hey, what's that over there?" and the Lizalfoo looked. Lizalfoo one was now in two pieces. The other one was a bit easier to kill. This one was a pacifist, so he put up no fight whatsoever.

Suddenly, Cleff felt the boat begin to...sink. "How can a boat floating on air sink?" wondered Cleff, but it really didn't matter because land was a foot away from him. Cleff climbed atop said land.

Cleff looked around to see that what he was standing on was an island in thin air. All around him on all sides were bottomless pits. "Oh no," said Cleff. "I'm very stuck."

But maybe there were invisible platforms around him! Cleff took out the Lens of Truth and looked around. And... there was nothing. Nothing except a void of darkness and an invisible monster with big fists.

The ground began to shake as the monster slammed its fists on the platform Cleff was on. "This guy looks tough," thought Cleff, readying his bow and arrow.

Cleff shot an arrow at the monster's eye. Unfortunately though, the monster winked at Cleff and it didn't hit the monster's weak point. Cleff fired another one, and luckily, this time the arrow hit the monster in the eye.

The mosnter plain out exploded! Blood, guts, brains, cow skulls, insides of the small intestine, and monster bones all went everywhere. They were all invisible though... except the cow skulls.

"Oh great," said Cleff. "How dod I get out of here now?" Cleff turned to the still exploding invisible monster when he saw the shadow medallion fly up into the air and begin to fall into the bottomless pit. Cleff jumped toward it, off of the platform. Unfortunately he missed it and fell for eternity. Nah, I'm just kidding; he fell for two eternities before touched the shadow medallion. Once he did though, he did the same thing as before: returned to the Sage Council by a mysterious blue light.


Chapter 8: Spirit Temple

"Wow, you're not dead yet?" said the Great Sage to Cleff in amazement.

"No," said Cleff.

"Wow! Have a cookie!" said the Great Sage, tossing Cleff a cookie. It was blueberry. It was delicious.

"Anyways, meet my new slave...I mean...sage," said the Great Sage, pointing to Sheipah, standing at a sage podium. "Keep reeling in those medallions! There's only one more to go!"

And Cleff was back at the Temple of Time. Sheip was waiting for him. "Yo, go west into the desert now," he said. "The last medallion is over there."

"Are you sure?" asked Cleff.

"...Yes... I know," replied Sheip.

"Then why don't you get it yourself?" asked Cleff.

"Uh...well..." started Sheip, but he threw down a smoke puff and fled.

Cleff now headed to the desert. On the fringes of the desert was a Gerudo camp, a tribe of crazy women with swords. Cleff entered, unknowing that the tribe was going to either kill him or throw him in a badly designed dungeon.

On the other side of the camp was a gate leading to the desert, but the gate was both locked and guarded by paranoid Gerudos. Cleff decided they weren't a threat, so he walked by one and someone blew a whistle, making him somehow end up being thrown in the dungeon. The dungeon was mounted on top of all the houses in the settlement, and was very easy to escape from. So easy that Cleff got out of it in two seconds with the longshot.

Cleff thought it would be funny to see the Gerudo's reaction when they saw him escape, so he walked in front of one again. But like the idiots they are, they didn't realize that they had thrown the same person in the same prison ten seconds ago, so they just did so again. And Cleff escaped again.

Cleff decided to go with a different approach this time. He jumped down a chimney and arrived in a room that housed a prison cell with a worker guy in it. And this prison wasn't poorly designed, as it required a key.

"HELP!" cried the worker guy in prison.

Cleff considered it, but a second later a Gerudo jumped down from the ceiling and attacked Cleff. She did an overhead swing at him, but Cleff dodged it with a backflip and swung back. It made contact with her, and she began to bleed, but she kept on fighting. She swiftly cut through the air down at Cleff, but Cleff blocked the Gerudo's sword with his own. Cleff now countered this by violently thrashing and swinging and *accidentally* cutting two of the Gerudo's fingers off.

"OW!" screamed the Gerudo in pain. She fell to the ground, and as she did, a key fell out of her pocket. Cleff picked it up.

"Hey, use that key to get me out of here," suggested the worker guy nicely.

Cleff ignored him and stealthily made his way to the gate that led to the desert. Cleff found the keyhole and unlocked the gate, but right before he could go through it, he was spotted by a Gerudo and a whistle was blown. Cleff was back in the poorly designed dungeon in a matter of seconds.

Cleff escaped, and now he had a better plan to get past the Gerudos. He simply shot them all with his bow and arrow. Problem solved!

Once in the desert, Cleff had to follow along an annoying path to the Spirit Temple, all led by the ghost of a dead monkey. The heat exhausted him, and the monkey was just plain annoying, and Cleff was very, very happy once he reached the Spirit Temple. However, the entrance was blocked by a boulder.

"...Crap," said Cleff.

"No, no, no," said Sheip, who was hiding behind that cactus the entire time. "The entrance is not permanently sealed. You need to go back to when you were a child and meet Nabooru..."

"NO!" rejected Cleff. "I am NOT going all the way back to the Temple of Time, turning into a kid, and coming back here!"

"But you have to!" argued Sheip. "The events are story-driven!"

"You know what, screw this," Cleff said, beginning to walk away.

"What!?" cried Sheip. "You can't! You need to stop Canondork!"

"I don't care," said Cleff.

"Wait!" said Sheip. "Haven't you heard of sequence breaking? It allows you to skip ahead in your adventure like you've actually played the game!"

Cleff stopped walking away. Such an idea sounded interesting. "How do I do it?" asked Cleff.

"Well," said Sheip, "while that temple appears to be sealed off, you can enter it by climbing up it and jumping through the window."

"But I can't jump or climb," said Cleff.

Sheip facepalmed. "You're serious?"

"Yeah, the game doesn't let you jump," said Cleff.

Sheip picked up Cleff and threw him at the window, but she was unable to throw him one foot.

"Wow, you throw like a girl," stated Cleff.

"What!? I'm not... why would?" started Sheip, but he shut up when Cleff titled the cartridge. The world became fuzzy and weird, and the giant door sealing off the Spirit Temple disappeared, allowing Cleff to walk right into the Spirit Temple. Oh, then the game froze.

*****

Cleff immediately felt small inside the temple as he walked into a gigantic sanctuary containing a 100-foot statue in it. It was so scary that Cleff decided it would be in his best interest to kill it. Cleff took out his sword and stabbed the foot of the statue, but it was apparently made of a really strong material called stone. The sword did not cut the foot.

"I'll have to find an alternate way to kill this thing," said Cleff.

Looking up at the ceiling, Cleff could see a skylight, shining its light down on the ground. Cleff thought for a second and came up with a great idea: he could melt the statue with light! All he'd have to do is redirect the light coming from the skylight! But he'd have to get up there.

Cleff walked into a room, and the door locked behind him. At the other end of the room was a stone, huge, armored and strong darknut, unmoving and sitting on a throne. Cleff took a few steps toward it, and the darknut stood up and began to twirl a medieval ball and chain over his head. It threw the giant thing at him, and it slammed him in the face. Cleff lost three hearts and began to bleed.

"Oh crud," said Cleff, feeling blood on his face. "I only have one heart left!"

The darknut began to twirl the ball and chain above his head again. Cleff dove behind a pillar in the room to stay safe. If he got hit one more time, he'd be pretty dead. Cleff looked out from behind the pillar to see the darknut slowly moving closer to him. The darknut now knew where Cleff was, so it chucked the ball of the chain at the pillar, destroying it and sending the wreckage on Cleff. Luckily, it didn't kill him.

Cleff looked around the room to see three other pillars around it. Maybe if all the pillars were destroyed, the ceiling would collapse! Cleff jumped behind another pillar. A few seconds later, the darknut threw the ball and chain at the pillar, destroying this pillar also. While the darknut was pulling the ball and chain back toward him, Cleff was an idiot and tried hitting the thing with his sword. It did absolutely no damage atall.

The darknut took this time to counter Cleff's pointless attack with a spin of his ball and chain. Cleff was almost killed by it, but he ducked just in time.

Cleff dove behind another pillar as the darknut threw his ball (lol, innuendo) at Cleff once again. It destroyed the pillar, making the ceiling rumble.

The last pilar was on the other side of the room, behind the darknut. It seemed impossible to reach. The darknut began to cobble closer and closer to him, right about to throw his ball and chain at him, but the pillar in the back collapsed on its own, causing the ceiling above the darknut to collapse also and fall on top of the darknut. The darknut was down.

Cleff climbed atop the rubble of the ceiling to go to the second floor. Cleff looked across the room to see a staircase leading to the upstairs, but a half-pipe containing giant boulders rolling back and forth blocked the path.

"Oh my...this looks really hard to get through," said Cleff sarcastically. He skipped through the trench of "death" in a mere five seconds and afterward skipped up the stairs... but he fell down them.

After climbing the stairs normally, Cleff came into a room with four depictions of the sun on the wall. In the center of the room was an altar with a slanted mirror on it, with the light from a skylight directly above it, causing light to be reflected off the mirror and onto the wall.

Cleff turned the altar to make the light shine on a sun, and the sun melted like wax. Behind the sun were a bunch of snakes, and they all began to attack Cleff. Cleff turned the altar again to another sun. It melted and dropped a really, really, really shiny shield onto the ground.

"Ooh...shiny..." said Cleff. He ignored all the snakes trying to kill/choke himself all around, and he just began to walk toward the shield. Cleff picked up the shield and hugged it. Then Cleff quickly rushed up the stairs and out of the room.

The room Cleff was in now had a hole in the ceiling to let in light, and directly below it, a hole in the floor. Cleff decided it was a good idea to jump in hole without looking down into them first, and so he did. He ended up landing on a platform ten feet down from where he was, a platform that was being suspended from the ceiling in the main sanctuary.

Only a few feet in front of Cleff was the statue he had promised to destroy. So Cleff reflected the light off his new shiny shield onto the statue's face to make stone melt and to reveal a hidden door behind the stone. ...Wow, who hides a door in a statue?

Cleff went through the door and entered a gigantic but empty room. It was quiet...too quiet. "LOUD NOISES!" shouted Cleff.

Suddenly, some creepy evil laughter sounded off the walls and began to get louder and louder. Two witches came flying in on broomsticks. "We're Twinrova!" they laughed chaotically, throwing fire and ice all around the room. Cleff jumped out of the way to dodge them, and it wasn't very difficult at all. However, this went on for ten minutes before Cleff realized the boss would not make itself vulnerable to attack like an idiot.

So Cleff stared at his shiny shield, waiting for the boss to get bored and go away. After a few minutes of this, Cleff heard a pang, and fired bounced off his shield and hit a witch coincidentally.

"AAAGLAHAHGLBL!" screamed the witch, onfire. She began to throw iceballs everywhere, and one hit the other witch.

"AAAH!" yelled the other one, who began to turn black from frostbite. "Sister, we must combine if we want to live!"

The on fire witch knew this, and she began to fly toward the other witch, but before they could reach, one witch was now burned alive and the other hit the ground cold.

A few minutes later, Cleff stopped staring at his shield to see a medallion in front of him. "Cool," said Cleff.


Chapter 9: Canon: THE FINAL BATTLE

Cleff was now sitting in the sage council... for the final time.¹

¹Final is one translation; interpreted as 7 years

"You're not dead?" said the Great Sage in disbelief.

"No," said Cleff. "So can those sages please make me a rainbow bridge?"

"The sages?" wondered the Great Sage. "But don't you want to..."

"NO! SHUT UP! LET ME JUST KILL CANON!" screamed Cleff.

"...Fine," said the Great Sage. Then he commanded to his five slaves, "MAKE DA BRIDGE!" The sages disappeared from the council.

"Now Cleff! Go! Defeat Canon!" shouted the Great Sage.

Cleff appeared standing in front of Canon's Castle, the rainbow bridge crossing main land to the fortress in place. Cleff began to cross it when he heard a voice calling his name...

"Cleff! Wait!" called Sheip, running toward Cleff. Cleff froze and Sheip finished walking to him. "I need to reveal a secret to you."

"No, Selda, don't!" warned Cleff. "You already made it obvious enough that you're Selda; if you reveal yourself, you'll be captured!"

"...I was just going to tell you the only way to kill Canondork is to shoot him with these light arrows," explained Sheip, giving Cleff them. "They'll make him bleed... a lot! ...And you know... Selda died seven years ago after getting trampled by horses."

"Oh," said Cleff, not feeling any sorrow. "Tragic."

And so Cleff ran into the castle, climbed a really long staircase, and ended up in the highest tower in the entire castle. Canondork was in the room, following the cliché of playing an organ. Cleff was just about to stab him from behind when Canondork realized he was in the room. Canondork immediately destroyed the organ and everything in the room besides the walls and some of the floor, and Cleff began to fly.

Cleff readied his bow, aiming a light arrow at Canondork. Canondork was getting ready to serve a fireball at Cleff so he could play sword tennis. Cleff didn't want to play sword tennis.

Cleff fired a light arrow at Canondork. The arrow went right into him, getting caught in Canondork's heart like a stingray barb in Steve Irwin. Canondork sunk to the ground and began to bleed profusely. Very profusely. Godly profusely.

Canondork screamed in pain so loud the walls and ceiling exploded and the tower began to collapse. "What the heck, man!?" screamed Canondork at Cleff. "Well if I'm going, you are too!" said Canondork in the most cliché way possible.

As the tower began to break into pieces, Cleff ran to the edge of the building and jumped into a helicopter. He watched the tower collapse from inside the helicopter, but then Cleff realized helicopters don't exist in Myrules. So Cleff fell to the ruins of the collapsed castle. Luckily, a giant pig cushioned his fall.

...Oh wait...that's not a pig...it's CANON!!!

Apparently, Canondork hadn't died and had actually morphed into a giant pig. Of course!

Canon tried to smoosh Cleff under his feet, or at least ram into him, but he failed miserably. Cleff rolled under Canon's legs and stabbed him in the tail. Canon got angry and tried ramming into Cleff, but Cleff ran away from Canon. This was pointless though, because Cleff was trapped on a battlefield that was completely isolated from all other land. Cleff stopped looking off the edge of the battlefield and faced the giant pig.

The tail of the monster appeared to be the programmed weak spot, but it would take forever to beat the thing if he killed stuff the correct way. Cleff thought for a bit as Canon began to charge at him, but suddenly Cleff had a brilliant plan.

As Canon tried to kill Cleff, Cleff gripped onto his face and pulled himself on top of the pig. From on top of the pig, Cleff stabbed Canon's neck several times in a row. Canon roared in pain. He tried to throw Cleff off of him, but Cleff lit a bomb and squished it inside the gash... And then Cleff ran like crap because that bomb exploded, causing Canon to get very very hurt and the battlefield Cleff Canon were on to collapse. Cleff fell down to the ruins below, accidentally letting go of his sword. Luckily, a giant pig cushioned his fall. And the giant pig roared in pain.

Cleff jumped off the pig just as his sword came down and stabbed Canon's tail. Canon began to scream in pain more loudly than ever. It hurt so much, in fact, that Canon actually shrunk from his weird pig form to Canondork again. A Canondork who was nearly dead and bleeding from his neck, chest, and...ew.

"Ugh..." coughed Canon. "I knew this would happen. I should have never been ominously evil for no reason in the first place."

"Wait," wondered Cleff, "then why did you be ominously evil?"

"Why?" coughed Canon. "Why did I be so evil, even though I knew I'd lose anyway?"

"...Yeah, that's what I just asked," said Cleff.

In Canon's dying breath, he said, "I did it for the lulz."


Teh End0rz