Really Bad's Adventures with Big Tony (1/10/07 - 1/17/07)


Really Bad and Big Tony were arrested for blowing up a Zorro factory. But Big Tony had a plan.

Really was sitting in his cell on his second day of jail when the ground suddenly rose up. Big Tony was digging a hole with a spoon.

"What the heck?" asked Really.

"I'm eating dirt with a spoon!" said Big Tony. "And my goal is to get to outside the jail. Follow me, Really."

"No," stated Really firmly.

"Look, Really, I want you to come with me," said Big Tony. "And if you don't, well, you know."

"Okay," said Really, frightened. "But why is there a piece of tape on your nose?"

"Shut up!" cried Big Tony.

Really followed Big Tony into his little tunnel. It was quite roomy, mostly because of Tony the whale's fatness. Well, no, he isn't a whale, no, but he's fat. So, yeah.

Big Tony kept digging, but then something very unrealistic and tragic happened: Big Tony farted.

"Nuts," said Really. The fart smelled of lettuce, cabbage, and earthworm.

Big Tony hit a rock and dug upward. They came out of the ground, and they were in the woods.

Then Big Tony told Really what was going on. "We're about a mile from the jail, so we're safe." Realistically, the jail was eighty feet away. Big Tony continued, "I promised my boys I would get them some..." Big Tony stopped, as if he didn't trust Really enough to keep a secret.

Really used this time to ask a question, "Why's that tape on your nose?"

"Shut up!" yelled Big Tony. "Anyway, take this map and piece of paper. I didn't write it, my...um...boss gave it to me."

Really looked at the papers. The map showed the city they were in. Marked on the map was a building. The building was circled and next to it was un-be-able-to-readable handwriting. The penmanship was so absoultely dreadful that Really threw up.

Really looked at the other paper. There were five directions on it. But it seemed like all of them were in code.

"Follow that map and those directions," said Big Tony. "Or else."

Really walked out of the woods, realizing how close the prison was. But, whatever. But Really looked into a window and saw a guard see him; Really ducked into darkness.

Still the guard checked his cell, and news programs about "REALLY: EVIL IN THE DARKNESS" aired everywhere on TV. Everyone was talking about Really Bad and the ghost of Big Tony, who people thought died of a tunnel collapsing.

Really had to hide behind cars, buildings, go in alleyways, and other stuff, just to avoid cameras and police. Yet Really finally made it to the location on the map, and he realized that it was a police station! Really went into it anyway, since Big Tony said to follow the map.

Really hid his face with a paper bag that went over his head. There was a hole for his mouth, and there were two holes for his eyes. Really said to some guy, "You know who Big Tony is?"

"Do you mean the escaped convict?" asked some guy.

"No," said Really.

"Oh, okay," said the guy. "Um...do you want to view his birth records and fingerprints?"

"No," said Really. "I want to see his boss."

"Oh, well that's different," said the guy. "Let me introduce you to Some Other Guy. Yep, that's his alias - I mean - name."

"What's his real name...or else..." said Really.

"Or else what?" asked the guy. "Listen, I'll give you advice, and that is to think things through." The guy left, and Some Other Guy told Really to step into his office.

When they were in his office, Some Other Guy said, "Take off your paper bag, Really. I know it's you."

Really took off his paper bag. "Now let me see your map and directions," said Some Other Guy.

Really gave Some Other Guy his map and directions. "Ha ha, sucka! I got the directions and the map!" Some Other Guy jumped out the window with the map and directions.

Really looked out the window, and a searchlight shined on his face. Then he heard a voice coming from a microphone saying, "We've caught you, Really. Jump out the window with your hands up!"

Really looked behind him, and police were coming into the room. Really had only one choice. He jumped out the window.

Really landed in snow, where Some Other Guy was waiting. Some Other Guy grabbed Really and brought him to a secret room under the police station. That was where Some Other Guy explained everything.

"My name is Jacob Boss," said Some Other Guy. "I'm thinking about getting my named changed to THE BOSS, but for now, call me Boss. You may be wondering what these directions mean. I know what first direction means. '1a1c3f5c1s1s, 1s4e6c5a1e2j'. That means 'across street'. Also, the second direction is a cryptogram with across street. The second direction says, "Yex at bano." I don't have a clue what that means. Although if you figure out '_e_ at _a__', you solved the direction. So, back to the first direction. Like I said, it means, 'across street', so cross the street.

"Okay..." said Really.

"And one more thing," said Boss. "I circled something on the map, but don't go there yet."

Really got his map and directions back. Then he sneaked across the street. Really entered the post office.

When Really entered, the postmen were singing "Mail the mail". It went like this:

Mail the mail!
The mail is awesome!
Mail that mail!
Delivering on time is awesome!
We bring the mail!
'Cause we're postmen!
Mail the mail!
Nail the mail!
Mail the mail!
What? What?
Mail the mail!

"Um, guys," said Really. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but -"

"Who interrupted the song?" asked a postman.

"I did," said Really. "Jacob Boss sent me here."

"Jacob Boss?" asked one guy. "You mean..." the guy's voice trailed off. He grabbed Really and dragged him into his office in the post office.

"Give me the directions and the map," said the guy. Really did and the guy continued. "My name is Jonathon Boss. I know the second direction. 'Yex at bano' is actually 'Key at jail'!" Jonathon circled a location on a river. "The location I circled is important, but you'll need a raft first. So now, go to the jail!"

Really looked at the map. There was now a circle near the jail, on the river, and circling the police station. Really went to the jail. He covered his face with a plant and walked around the place. He saw a guy who kind of looked like Jacob and Jonathon, so Really walked up to him.

"You a Boss?" asked Really.

"Depends," said the guy.

"I've got a map and a direction," said Really.

"Excellent," said the guy. "I'm Jack Boss... the overachiever."

"Good," said Really. He gave the guy the map and the directions.

Jack said, "The third direction is 'Get Poison-Out Spray'. I only know that Poison-Out gets rid of poison."

"Thanks," said Really. Jack circled something on the map, then gave the map and directions back to Really. Really looked at the map. Besides the circle around the police station, there was a circle near the jail, on the river, and now on the homefront - I mean - circling some building. "Do you know anything about a key?" Really asked.

"Not really," said Jack. "But I have heard guards talking about one."

"Oh," said Really.

Then something totally unrealistic and tragic happened: Really farted.

Guards came over from left and right, and Really dove behind a desk. Two guards looked around, then began to talk next to the desk.

"Man, where is he?" asked SG1.

"Who cares, dude," said SG2.

"Maybe the fart killed him," said SG1.

"Nah," said SG2. "Farts can't kill someone. Although it smells horrible."

"Don't we have tracker dogs?" asked SG1.

"No," said SG2. "But, you know, I can't believe they can tell who someone is from a fart."

"Yeah, I know," said SG1. "I'm breathing through my mouth to not smell Really's fart."

They knew it was him. Really felt more scared now.

"Hey, SG1, you know that key we keep hearing about?" asked SG2.

"You mean... the key to that all Poison-Out?" asked SG1.

"That what the fuss about that crummy key is about?" asjed SG2.

"Yeah," said SG1. "Actually, it's a misnomer. The key don't unlock no chest to Poison-Out, it unlocks a chest to being poisoned!"

"Then why would anyone want that key?" asked SG2.

"I don't know," said SG1. "But I do know that the key is on the boss' desk."

"Oh," said SG2. "Our crummy boss' desk, eh?"

They laughed all the way down the hallway. Really crawled out from his little little little hiding spot. Then he sneaked over to the boss' desk and stole the key.

Really then went to the circle that was near the jail. Big Tony was there, still stuck in the ground.

"REALLY!?" he shouted. "What the frog are you doing here!"

"The...the...map!" ugged Really.

"Err...just go to some other circle... and if you don't... WELL... that's another story," said the Big, fat Tony.

And as Really turned away, he thought he saw Big Tony pull something out from behind him...

Really could go to the river or the building. Really chose the building because you can't drown in a building unless there's a Katrina.

Really entered, and it was a raft store. Really bought one. It was a fine raft, made of such fantasterrific material, alonging for the finest of rides down a river. This raft was what Really needed.

Really sailed down that river, and felt brave doing so. He would fight his way through the rapids to get to the circle which would get him the Poison-Out!

Really neared the circled area and saw some guy selling Poison-Out. Really jumped over to the guy's in-the-middle-of-the-river store.

Really asked the guy, "Are you a boss?"

"What?" wondered the guy. "Who? What's a -" The guy fell over. A tranquilizer dart was in his neck.

"Oh my frog!" shouted Really. Some guy jumped over to the stall.

"I assume you have the map and the directions," said the guy. Really handed the stuff over and the guy continued, "I am Jake Boss. The fourth direction is 'Open Chest'. I now give you Poison-Out spray."

Jake gave Really his stuff back, along with Poison-Out.

Really only had one circle left. Really went back to Big Tony.

"Why are you back here?" asked Big Tony.

"Well...because...hey!" said Really. "What are you hiding in that flap of your stomach!"

"What are you talking about?" lied Big Tony calmly.

Just then, a chest fell out of Big Tony's flap in his stomach. Big Tony grabbed the huge chest and cried, "It's mine!"

"Listen," said Really. "I've got the key to the chest...so..."

Big Tony let Really unlock the chest, and a poison was crawling inside of it. Really quickly sprayed Poison-Out on it. The posion died.

Really and the fat one peeked inside the chest. There was a man and a bag in the chest. The man crawled out and said, "I'm James Boss. Inside this bag is something many people want. The last direction, I was told, is 'Deliver the bag to -'"

Big Tony hit James on the head. James fell over, and before he sunk into unconsciousness, he said, "Big...Boss."

"He was gonna say 'Deliver the bag to Big Tony'," said Big Tony.

"Then why'd you hit him?" asked Really.

"Uhh...because," Big Tony said.

"Oh, of course! That makes so much sense!"

"Yeah...yeah...because," said Big Tony. "Now give me the bag or else."

The guy's advice came back to Really then. "Or else what?" asked Really.

"Because..." said Big Tony weakly.

"Because why?" asked Really. "I'm not gonna let you manipulate me! And I'm taking that bag to Boss!"

Really grabbed the bag and started running. But Big Tony had some peoples on his side...

Big Tony called the Elite Beat Agency. Some guy yelled, "GO!" Three men wearing black suits arrived near Big Tony's hole. Then, they started to dance.

Big Tony magically lifted from his hole. Big Tony then began to run after Really. But then the player missed a beat and the fat one tripped.

Really looked behind himself and saw that Big Tony was gaining on him. Then Really had an idea. If he stole a car, he would get away...wouldn't he?

A few minutes later, Really and his stolen White Bronco were all over the news. Really then got to the police station. Really grabbed the bag and ran inside.

Avoiding nightsticks, Really got to Boss. "What are you doing!?" he bellowed.

Really showed him the bag and Boss snatched it. "The...the...Bag of All..." he said. "Really, come with me to the secret room."

Really and Boss were then safe in the secret room. Boss said, "That bag is the Bag of All Desires. It gives anyone what they want. That's why Big Tony needed it. He needed to pay off his boys. And because this bag is so important, it needs to be destroyed."

Really understood. This bag could arise a brand new evil. Boss poured some hot liquid on that bag, and then the bag was gone.

"I suggest you run from the police," said Boss. "And run, RUN, away from Big Tony."

"I hope that I'll see you again," said Really.

"I'll be around," said Boss. "I suggest you sail down that river. It's your best way out of here."

Really left the secret room just before Big Tony got there.

"The bag, please," he said.

"Tony," said Boss. "You're under arrest." Boss handcuffed Big Tony.

"What?" cried Big Tony. "Erg...I'LL GET YOU REALLY!"

Big Tony had shouted that so loud that Really could hear that from the river. The fat one was eliminated from his path. And even though Really knew he'd be arrested one day, he knew Big Tony wouldn't tell him what to do.


THE END